Thoughts unspoken
by rholou
Summary: There are things Dean isn't saying and an old friend might be able to help. Contains Dean angst because I love it so much. Second attempt at posting I think I got the rating wrong last time.


DISCLAIMER: My husband really doesn't like my Supernatural obsesseion already so if you take my house I think he'll be really annoyed. So no I don't own it.

A/N This is my first ever fanfic so please be kind. I would love reviews.

Sam stared out of the passenger side window trying hard to ignore the glare that he knew Dean was giving him. God he could practically feel his eyeballs burning into the back of his skull. A sudden image of Dean as a mandroid made him grin. Wrong move.

"I don't know what you're so happy about." Dean practically growled when he saw the goofy smile appear on his little brother's face. For such a large specimen of a man it amazed him sometimes how young Sam could look. Dammit he thought to himself, now was not the time to get sentimental, not while he was still pissed at him.

"Okay Dean I get it, you're pissed at me." Sam finally gave in and decided to have it out with his stubborn jerk of a brother. " I'm still not sure why but hay what's new"

"You're not sure why?" Dean blustered rolling his eyes in frustration.

"No , I'm not. You're the one who gave me the big speech about being loyal and all that."

"Well in case you haven't noticed we're kinda busy right now to be doing people favours. Or have you just forgotten the whole demon army thing we're supposed to be dealing with." Dean snarked.

"Look" Sam said in his calm voice that worked on pretty much everyone but Dean, but it was worth a shot right. "She wouldn't have called if it wasn't important."

"But she didn't actually say what the problem was did she?"

"A poltergeist of some kind, but she didn't go into details."

"Dammit Sammy we've got bigger fish to fry than some little haunting right now. We don't have time for this crap."

Sam couldn't help himself " Oh but we've got time for you to spend almost every night getting drunk and chasing tail right." the words came out harsh and angry and when he saw Dean clench his jaw he immediately regretted them.

"Yeah well what I choose to do with _my time _is really up to me isn't it Sam." The words were bitter sounding and Sam heard the emotion in those words and found he was gritting his teeth.

God was this how it was all going to come out. It had been six months since the deal, six months with this huge weight hanging over them. Up until now every time Sam had tried to bring the subject up Dean had brushed it off with a grin and a joke until Sam had finally given up trying. Things weren't alright but Sam knew from previous experience that pushing Dean to talk was not the way to go. In fact just thinking about it made his jaw ache. He looked over at Dean and was saddened by how distant he felt from his brother, despite everything that happened to them over the last two years he felt less connected to him than he ever had before. He could feel Dean pulling further away from him day by day and he just didn't know how to bridge the gap anymore.

Dean could feel Sam looking at him and knew that if he turned to meet his eyes right now he would lose it. God he hated himself for hurting Sammy like this but he knew it was for the best. If he let Sam in right now he'd definitely hurt him a whole lot more. Keeping his eyes on the road and carefully turned away from what he knew would be Sam's best puppy dog expression he said somewhat more calmly. "I just wish you'd asked me first, that's all."

Sam saw that Dean was trying here and decided to give him that. "I know I'm sorry it's just I didn't really expect you to have a problem with it." That was the truth. In fact he still didn't understand why Dean was being so stubborn even now. "It's not the town is it? I thought after last time you'd dealt with you're issues about the place."

Dean snorted at this "Okay Dr Phil."

Sam shook his head but grinned none the less.

"Yes I've dealt with my _issues_ about the place. I mean it's still not on my top ten list of places to visit but it's not really a problem."

"Then what?"

"I don't think she likes me very much." Dean admitted not daring to meet Sam's eyes as he made his confession and was startled when he heard Sam laugh.

"You're kidding right."

Dean frowned at him, but this time the mood was much lighter. " Dude you remember what she was like with me the last time. You she was all over but me she couldn't stop picking on."

"Picking on." Sam managed to get out between laughs.

"Yeah." Dean continued to glare, annoyed that Sam was finding this so funny.

"God you sound like a five year old." Sam said gleefully.

"Shut up. " Dean pouted, unaware that doing so meant that not only did he sound like a five year old he now looked like one. He reached his hand out to turn up the radio and drown out his younger brothers continuing soft chuckles.

SNSNSNSNSNNSN

A couple of hours later they finally pulled up outside the house. Sam could tell Dean was hesitating and decided to make the first move. He opened the passenger side door and pulled his lanky frame from the car. He groaned as he stretched, god it felt good to stretch his legs. Dean still hadn't climbed out by the time Sam had finished getting the kinks out, so he stuck his head back in to see what the hold up was.

"You coming?" the words startled Dean out of his daydream or whatever it was. He turned to look at Sam and for a minute Sam saw a flash of something in his eyes before it was gone. He frowned at his big brother in concern. "You okay?"

"Yeah fine." Dean seemed to visibly shake off whatever was going through his mind. "You go ahead, I just realised I need to get something from the store."

"Whatever it is can wait." Sam's voice was unusually firm.

" No it can't. Look you go in, I'll be back in ten minutes tops."

Before Sam could protest Dean pulled away from the sidewalk barely giving him time to remove his head from the passenger side window.

He was still stood there a few seconds later when he heard the door of the house behind him open and an oddly comforting voice called to him.

"Well boy you just gonna stand there like a fool all day or are you gonna come inside."

Grinning with that sweet little boy smile he could do so well he turned to the owner of the house and said "Hi Missouri"

SNSNSNSNSNSNSN

"I hate lying to him Missouri." Sam said from his position on the sofa as she handed him a cup of coffee.

"Well it's not ideal and I'm sure he's going to be more than a little angry when he finds out but you're hearts in the right place. He'll see that eventually."

"I hope so. It's just that he wouldn't have come here otherwise, even with the lie I had a hard job convincing him. I just I don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm already losing him. I mean you ought to see what he's like on a hunt know, he's reckless, I mean he's always been a little but now you know … it's scary sometimes. Then there's the drinking and the girls, again not something he was a stranger to before but he at least used to have some standards. Now you should see some of the skanks he goes home with…"

Sam trailed off embarrassed by what he'd just revealed.

Missouri smiled comfortingly at him, just listening to him ramble on confirmed how much she knew the two brothers meant to each other and she could tell Sam was hurting. Hell she didn't even need to be psychic to know that.

"It's okay Sam you're here now we'll see what we can do about that stubborn ass you have for a brother. Even if I have to hit him round the head a few times we'll get through to him somehow."

Sam gave a small smile at this.

"You know he thinks you don't like him?"

"What?" Missouri was genuinely shocked.. "Wherever did he get a fool idea like that from?"

"He said you pick on him." Sam couldn't help grinning when he remembered the look on Dean's face when he'd said that.

Missouri gave a short bark of laugh at this and then looked at Sam all serious. " I think more of that boy than he will ever know, both of you in fact. I remember when I first met you both, you we're still a baby but Dean must have been about five or so. He looked so serious and sad. He just sat beside you're father holding you and he never said a word."

Sam felt a lump in his throat at the thought of Dean like this, he remembered himself when he was five, god you couldn't shut him up, endless questions, he knew he must have driven his brother up the wall. He could almost picture little Dean sat there on the sofa next to him and he wished things could have been different.

"He held onto you so tightly" Missouri continued, "Just wouldn't let go, even when I offered him a cookie he refused because it would have meant putting you down."

Sam couldn't imagine Dean ever refusing food and suddenly thought about how little he knew about his own brothers childhood.

" You dad just sat there going on about what he'd seen that night never once thinking that Dean could hear every word. You know I loved your Dad, but there were times I could just…" Missouri didn't finish the sentence, she didn't need to. Sam swallowed and nodded for her to continue.

" I wanted to hug him so badly but looking at him I knew that if I did that it would break him. Even then he didn't respond well to displays of emotion, I think he just didn't know what to do with them. So I joked with him. Kidded around, made a crack about him being a goofy looking kid and you know what he did?" Missouri looked up at him with a grin and Sam shook his head trying hard to stop the moisture that was building in his eyes at the thought of his brother so little and hurting.

" He laughed." Missouri's voice betrayed her own feelings about that memory. " It was only a quite, little laugh but it was the only sound I heard him make that day." Missouri finished her story with a wistful smile and pretended not to notice when Sam swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand.

"Now Dean will be back any minute and I need to speak to him alone I think."

Sam started to protest but Missouri held her hand up. "Sugar you rang me so I could help right?"

Sam nodded. "Then do as I ask."

"What should I do?" Sam gave in.

"The shed could do with a tidying." Missouri said pointing at where a brush stood waiting. Sam looked like he was going to protest again until he saw the look in her eye. "I f you're going to be here boy you may as well make yourself useful."

Missouri watched Sam as he slowly got up from the sofa and picking up the broom headed out to the shed. Give these boys anything supernatural to deal with and they'd work their butts off till the job was done, but anything like menial labour and they just couldn't deal. She got up and cleared away the coffee cups, she knew she wouldn't have long to wait for Dean.

SNSNSNSNSNSNSN

Dean sat outside the house for another five minutes after he got back drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He'd spent half an hour in the local grocery store before he brought their entire stock of rock salt. The look the woman had given him as she'd rung up his purchase had done little for his ego. He was used to women staring at him, just not with _that _look on their face. So here he was and he could think of no other way to stall the inevitable. God he wasn't looking forward to this. He got a Metallica song ready in his head and climbed out of the safety of his beloved Impala and headed for the house.

He knocked on the door and waited. He didn't have to wait long, the door swung open and he found himself taking an involuntary step backwards as he was faced with one of the few people who could intimidate him.

"Well come in Dean, you're making the place look untidy." Missouri said and turned and walked back into the house as though expecting Dean to just follow her. Which he did.

She was already sat on the sofa when he made his way into the front room.

"Where's Sam?" he asked looking around nervously.

" I've got him cleaning out my shed." Dean couldn't help the grin that came to his face at the thought of Sam with a broom. But this soon disappeared at Missouri's next words.

"Now get that stupid song out of your head, it's driving me crazy. I never was much of a classic rock fan."

Dean started at this and his carefully constructed shield fell away, Missouri gasped as she finally saw what was going on in Dean's head. Despite her arthritis she quickly got up from the sofa and crossed to where he stood. She grasped both his hands in hers, looked him in the eye and said. "Oh honey it's okay."

Dean looked at her blankly for a minute and then realised that there was no point to his outer mask when she could see inside his soul. His eyes looked into hers and he let the mask slip.

The words that fell from his lips almost choked him. " I'm so scared."

With that his legs crumpled and he fell to the floor. Missouri knelt down beside him and cradled his head against her shoulder. She could feel the young man tremble against her. She looked up to where Sam stood in the doorway shock at seeing his older brother so broken written all over his face. She shook her head at him slightly to let him know that now was not the time for him to join them. Sam stood there and watched helplessly as Missouri allowed his brother to bare his soul.

"It's okay to be scared Dean." Missouri reassured him, her hand rubbing lazy circles on his back. "Most people are scared of dying."

"I'm not scared of dying." the words were muffled against her shoulder.

Sam leaned forward to better hear, he felt bad for eavesdropping but he needed this, needed to know what was going on in Dean's head.

"But I thought…"

"I'm not scared of dying" Dean repeated quietly. " I've faced death before, I've come to terms with it." Missouri continued to stoke Deans back knowing that he needed the comfort right now and that he would pull away when he'd had enough.

"But I 'm not just going to die am I. No I'm going to…." he paused here and she felt him take a deep breath before he continued. " hell."

Sam had to grab the doorframe as the word fell from his brothers lips. The anguish he heard in that one word took all his strength from him and he suddenly realised what he'd been denying to himself for all this time. His brother hadn't given his life to save him, he'd given his soul. He was going to hell. Hell. It was one of those words you used all the time but he'd forgotten it wasn't just a word, it was a place. A prison made of bone and flesh and blood and fear. Sam felt sick as those words ran through his head.

Missouri looked up at him sharply and he knew she'd heard those thoughts and her face reflected the fear he knew was on his own.

"Sam.." she started to say and Dean interrupted her. " I don't want him to know. " his plea was desperate.

"But he needs to know…."

" I don't want him to."

"Dean.."

"NO." he almost shouted the word and then he raised his head so that his hazel-green eyes met her warm ones. " I don't want him to think I'm selfish."

"Selfish" Missouri almost laughed at how ridiculous that sounded.

"I don't want him to think I regret it." Dean tried to explain. "He deserves to live."

"More than you?" Missouri asked and Sam held his breath whilst he waited for the answer. Dean didn't hesitate

"Yes"

"Oh honey" Missouri couldn't hide the sadness in her voice.

"Don't you see." Dean pleaded for her to understand. " If he knows I'm scared he might think I didn't mean it, that I wished he was still dead. And I don't, not for one second but that doesn't mean I want to go to hell. Sometimes at night I can hear screaming, souls in torment and they …." ho took a deep breath before he continued ."..all sound like me. So you see I can't let Sam know because this fear it makes me…weak."

"No it doesn't." An angry voice from behind him made him freeze. He turned towards the door to see the last person in the world he wanted to see right now. Sam stood there, tears streaming down his face, he wasn't even trying to hide it now. At the sight of his brothers tears Dean felt his own eyes well up.

"It doesn't make you weak Dean it makes you human."

Dean shook his head as if denying the truth in his brothers words.

"How could I ever think you were selfish you idiot, you're the most selfless person I've ever known." Sam was angry now the words coming thick and fast. "God Dean you sold your soul for me I don't think anything comes higher than that on the list. "

Dean looked up at him now, really looked at him and allowed Sam's words to sink into his heart.

"And another thing you nihilistic son of bitch if I hear you say that my life is worth more than yours one more time I'll kill you then make a godamn deal myself just to prove a point."

Dean was grinning now in spite of the situation. He'd never seen Sam so worked up before, he almost felt proud.

"You don't get to decide what your life is worth Dean. I do."

Sam finally stopped his tirade and first looked at Missouri who looked a little shocked and then let himself look at Dean. He was grinning. The stupid son of a bitch was grinning. Sam glared at him for a minute.

"Whoa Sammy, way to grow a pair." Dean smirked up at him and started laughing.

Sam looked at him in disbelief for a minute and then he joined in. He reached down a hand to where his big brother sat on the floor and with one swift movement dragged him to his feet and wrapped his arms around him in a bear hug. Dean wrapped his own arms around his hulk of a little brother and the two of them stood there held tightly in each others embrace as tears of laughter made there way down both their faces.

Missouri stood to the side and watched the brothers with a look of disbelief before shaking her head and saying" You Winchesters are all crazy." Still she couldn't help grinning at the sight in front of her, knowing that it was exactly what both of them needed. God knew it didn't fix the problem but it was a start, and a good one at that.

Dean unsurprisingly was the first to pull away but he kept his hands on Sam's arms as he looked up into his brothers eyes and asked." We good?"

"Yeah I think so." Sam nodded. Dean nodded back and let his arms drop to their sides. He cleared his throat a little self-consciously and ran his hand through his short hair.

"So Missouri what about this poltergeist then?"

"Um about that." Sam reddened." I kinda lied about that." Dean raised his eyebrows at this admission.

Sam cringed at what he knew was coming next. But Dean smirked at him and surprised him by saying.

"So geek boy lied to me and he finally grew a pair. Be careful there Sammy you're turning into me."

"Yeah well you're the one who just went all emo on us so maybe you're turning into me."

"Oh god I hope not." Dean quipped . " I like getting laid."

That line of thought was stopped when Missouri hit him round the back of the head with a wooden spoon she just happened to have handy.

"Hay." he protested.

"I won't have you speak like that in my house." Missouri admonished with a cheeky glint in her eye.

"Well I think that's our cue to leave." Sam said grinning at the mock hurt look on Dean's face.

"Definitely ." Dean agreed and then surprised both Missouri and Sam by grabbing the older woman in a rough hug. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear. " Thank you."

She squeezed him back and as he pulled away she said." Your welcome honey."

She followed the two of them to the door. " You know you're more than welcome to stay."

"Thanks but no thanks I think if we stay there'll just be more embarrassing emotional scenes and I've had about enough chick flick moments as I can handle."

Missouri could see the truth behind the joke and opened the door for them both. "Besides there's somewhere we gotta go." Dean finished. Sam raised his eyebrows at this but Dean just shrugged. He turned and headed towards the car leaving Sam stood alone with Missouri.

"Thanks for everything." Sam said reaching down and giving her his own hug.

"Sure thing honey and just remember my doors always open."

Sam nodded and followed his brother sat waiting for him. Dean waited until Sam had settled himself in the passenger seat of the car before pulling away from the kerb. They both raised there hands in farewell and watched Missouri waving in their review mirror until they turned a corner and she disappeared from sight.

Sam turned to look at his brother and asked." So are you going to tell me where we're going."

Dean met his eye and with that genuine grin of his that only a few people ever got to see replied.

"The Grand Canyon."


End file.
